Trapped...or so I Thought - continued...
As time went on, I found it more difficult to consistently live up to the self-imposed standards I believed that I had set as a benchmark. In my obsession to become the perfect associate, I lost all perspective and saw myself as trapped; unable to continue on my present course and yet unable to do anything about it. At the same time, and almost to my complete demise, I became blinded by my own pride and the fear of being seen as incapable of dealing with the pressures of practice. I was unwilling and/or unable to clearly tell my employer that I was falling apart and that changes needed to be made in order for me to practice effectively. I foolishly continued on a doomed path, telling myself that things would get better. In retrospect, this lie and my fear of being seen as someone who couldn’t cope with a downtown practice continued my slide.
Finally, after drinking heavily one long weekend, I came to the decision that rather than expose my unhappy situation to my employer or family, it would be best to end my life. If is only by circumstances beyond my control that I ended up calling LAP in an effort to get help. That call saved my life. After meeting with the LAP, I was immediately referred to a physician who assessed me and placed me on short-term disability benefits. I remained off work for several months – during which time I underwent and participated in various forms of recovery and support treatment. The recovery work that I have done (and continue to do) centres on teaching me healthy ways to cope with the stresses of work and every day life. It has provided me with the tools to make healthy decisions and to set necessary limits. Most importantly, however, it has taught me that there are always viable options.
As I write this, my life is better than I could have ever imagined four years ago. After much personal work, I now have a satisfying and rewarding career as in house counsel (a former client of the firm’s), great friends, a wonderful spouse, exciting outside interests, and most importantly, the time and financial resources to develop and enjoy them. Gratefully, I am no longer trapped.