I had stuff...now I have a life - page 3
As well, I was rapidly on my way to moral and spiritual bankruptcy. What I mean by moral bankruptcy is that I would lie, con and manipulate to either facilitate or cover up my drinking. What I mean by spiritual bankruptcy is that I viewed myself as the known centre of the universe, able to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, however unrealistic. When that didn’t work out, I blamed others and drank some more. I lay awake unable to sleep most Sunday nights, wondering whether the cycle would stop in the coming week. It never did.
On November 13, 2002, suicidal, I ended up in the hospital. Two gentlemen from my firm visited me and told me that inpatient treatment for alcoholism was the suggested program. I will be forever grateful to them. I threw my arms up in the air and asked how soon I could go. When I was told I would be discharged a day prior to being able to go to treatment, I broke down in tears, too afraid to leave the hospital and spend a night at home.
I was in treatment for about 7 weeks. I was deconstructed and put back together. I have not looked back. I attend an AA meeting every day more or less. The meetings keep me centred. I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been, believing that some power greater than myself is in charge and not me. This comes as a daily relief. Much to my surprise, I have never had a desire to have a drink.
I have drawn a great deal of support from the LAP in my recovery. I was unaware of what the LAP did prior to coming home from treatment. To be frank, I skipped over articles like this one, afraid I might see myself.
My life is far from perfect. My marriage has ended and I have the same sorts of life problems that everyone has. But I am sober, I have a great deal of gratitude for what I have and no bad day comes close to the depth of despair I felt on November 13, 2002.