I had stuff...now I have a life - p2
I was very goal and achievement oriented. I craved recognition. Life was all about how I thought others viewed me. I have realized, in sobriety, that I did not make a major decision in adulthood without a keen awareness of, and often deference to, my perception of the opinions of others.
In 1981 I graduated from law school where, along with contracts and torts, I really learned how to drink. I did well academically, securing an articling position with a downtown firm. I was not kept on, which was devastating to me, not taking rejection well.
After articles, I secured a job with a small downtown firm practicing civil litigation. I eventually became a partner and stayed there for 16 years. My alcoholism progressed apace. There were too many alcohol related “incidents” to recount. They were generally excused, perhaps because I did the work and was relatively good at it.
There is no question, with hindsight, that my departure from my first firm was directly related to my alcoholism. Few at the firm, however, would acknowledge that and indeed, some outright denied it. Regardless, I moved on, joining a large firm as associate counsel. I was 41. I had the family, all the “stuff” and the lifestyle. I was on a first name basis with the staff in the city’s finest restaurants.
The progression of my alcoholism seemed to slow somewhat, for a year or two after I joined my new firm. Then, almost 2 years to the day prior to the psych ward, it accelerated at a pace, which was, mind-boggling. It was like a switch had been thrown. Drinking before lunch became the norm. Working for any period of time in the afternoons became rare. Working on a Friday afternoon was unheard of. I did the work I did in the mornings, often arriving very early because I was aware that my day basically ended at noon at the latest. It got to the point where I resented my secretary for booking anything in the afternoons.