A Long, Downward Spiral, and Back Again cont'd...
I had several brushes with the law, which were not as funny in my ‘30’s as in my teens. I also tried to stop drinking but really what I wanted was to be able to drink wildly minus the bad results. I was afraid to stop drinking. I thought I’d be bored or boring. I was afraid I’d “lose my edge” and be less dynamic.
From the time I first tried to stop drinking in 1982 until I had my last drink in 1987 my life went from bad to worse to terrible. From January 1986 until May 1986 I don’t think I was sober form more than 10 days. I ended up in a detox for a week and then a treatment center for one month. At that point I gave up fighting and felt a sense of peace for the first time in my life, so far as I could remember.
I’d like to say that was my last drink, but over the next several months I did have a couple of slips, culminating (predictably) in a three day bender which ended April 18, 1987, the last day I had a drink. I have been clean and sober since. From that day forward, I have made recovery a priority. I joined A.A. I began taking whatever steps were necessary to get to know myself and feel connected to life – and I surrounded myself with people who lived healthy lives.
I needed to grow up and learn to deal with people and situations sober. I have rebuilt relationships with friends, I rebuilt my law practice, I rebuilt my health and fitness and I rebuilt my financial responsibility to the point where I now have a good credit rating.
I have a healthy sense of myself: I no longer walk around with the feeling that I don’t fit in, that I am a misfit and somehow defective. I don’t miss the things I thought I’d miss. I don’t miss drinking (I never wanted a drink or to drink, I wanted to get drunk). I don’t miss the bar scene or the casual acquaintances (I feel much more fulfilled being with my friends and with people I care about). I don’t miss the excitement of living on the edge (I now have the excitement of creating my own life, of taking risks, of learning new things, of being with people, of caring about and helping people, and of being a useful person). I now have the blessing of feeling comfortable in my own skin. This is all truly more than I could have ever hoped for.
In 1986 there was no LAP to turn to for help, but I did receive a tremendous amount of help and support from my peers. When I went into the treatment centre, several lawyers took over the files I did not want, including some dog files which were maturing, another lawyer baby-sat the few active files I had to come back to and yet another took care of my overhead. Without these very generous and caring people, I would have been in even more of a mess than I already was. To these people I am forever grateful. I am pleased now to be in a position to give back to the community and be useful and productive.