A Long, Downward Spiral, and Back Again
I’d like to say that I had a normal, happy childhood. I was happy for the most part, but I lived in an alcoholic household, which was anything but normal. I was good at school and sports and in spite of moving many times I had lots to do and lots of kids to play with. I felt uncomfortable and like an outsider unless we were doing something like playing sports or creating general mayhem. I was particularly uncomfortable with girls because I never knew what to say. I discovered alcohol when I was thirteen and suddenly I felt okay, I felt comfortable with people, able to talk, relax and even be funny. Fortunately, I hung around with mostly clean-cut student athletes and didn’t indulge myself in this great pleasure much during high school.
When I arrived at university, I felt lost and truly like an outsider. The only time I fit in and had any social life was when I was drinking - so of course, I drank frequently. I was still focused on school and sports and I wasn’t completely out of control. I certainly didn’t think I had a problem. It seemed that alcohol was my friend, letting me blossom into the outgoing guy I knew I was. I thought real men drank, and to excess. The motto “work hard, play hard” was my call to arms. The problems I had seemed like normal adventures of a daring young man on the rise; getting kicked out of the student residence and getting put in the drunk tank overnight has somehow come to seem like badges of honour.
I graduated into the world of law and found a friendly home. I did trial work and found great encouragement for alcoholic excesses. I loved hanging around with lawyers and particularly liked hanging around bars consuming large amounts of alcohol as we regaled each other with tales of courtroom wizardry. I could justify my drinking; after all, the heroes and legends of the bar were heavy drinkers (at least I told myself that). I did learn a lot of law in those bars, I made some good friends, and I had some good times. That was the lure of the alcohol. I did have positive experiences. Over time, the alcohol and the partying became more important than the law and I began to distance myself from my peers. The lower I sunk the lower I felt and I began an irreversible downward spiral. The more I drank the more I needed to drink. One-day parties became two-day drunks. Weekend drunks stretched first to include Thursday then Monday then Wednesday until two-week benders were common. I did manage to control my drinking for periods of time when my trial load was heavy. When things got particularly bad, I stopped drinking, buckled and got them in order. But as soon as I had any type of success, I’d start partying again.
Over time, my practice became in disarray. Actually, it was practically non-existent. I was distancing myself from my friends, hanging out only with others who drank like me and trying to prop up my pathetic ego by hanging out with others who looked up to me or at least flattered me. continued...