It took a long time before I asked for help - page 3
I pressed on to the next stage of my career and associated with some friends from law school. This was a fun and challenging adventure. I began to succeed, make money and to have some exciting and interesting cases. The anxiety I had lived with all my life began to increase, or at least became more noticeable. I often felt afraid going to court, not just nervous, but really afraid, afraid I would break down.
I was afraid of doing simple tasks, a conveyance was cause for hours of worry and tension. Whatever I was doing I would think about it over and over imagining every possible problem that could arise. In small doses this might be a good trait for lawyer but I began to worry 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
I didn’t take days off because I would worry even more if I wasn’t at the office. My work habits deteriorated. My ability to concentrate suffered. Because I was at work all the time, I could say, "I would get the work done later".
It became too stressful to pull my own weight; I didn’t want to admit I had a problem so I left the partnership. Of course, once on my own, things got worse, to the point I would often sit most of the day without doing any work. My life was a mess, my finances were bad, and my marriage had ended long ago. I had little good work and I saw little or no way out.
Eventually it got so bad I did let a friend know how bad it was and they offered help. Some of my friends, who were lawyers, helped with my practice. They took care of my files and paid my rent for a couple months. This allowed me to take time off and begin a healing process. I went to support groups and personal growth seminars as well as for counseling.
I learned how to ask for help and how to get support as I made changes in my life. I learned about what I really wanted from life and how to get it. I was able to start up with a new firm and I began to enjoy the practice of law. I no longer practiced law to impress people or to prove myself but I did it because I like to help people and to work with people.
I received a lot of help and support from other lawyers that I think was essential and for which I am forever grateful. Now, thankfully there is an organized peer support program of lawyers helping lawyers. If you find yourself in any kind of situation like I was in I do recommend that you call the Lawyers Assistance Program and ask for help.
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