Harriet the Over-Doer - page 5
It took a hell of a lot for my Harriet to realize that it was only with the help of others that I could begin to heal. With the ongoing support of LAP, I have learned to relax my guard, and to trust in others, but most of all to trust in myself. Workaholism, to the detriment of my own health and that of my relationships with those I loved I did not recognize. I even received acclamation for my efforts and thus reinforced the behaviour and the cycle continued.
My Harriet had to come to the realization that this behaviour was hurtful to me and to others and that it masked the spectres that I had been literally and figuratively running away from for many years. Harriet had to hold up that mirror and examine herself in an unbiased manner and I didn’t like what I saw. The compulsive and obsessive helping and working behaviours were serving to keep me from having to look at what my Harriet was doing to herself. Well at least now I acknowledged there was a problem. I have even been able to seek professional help in addressing some of these issues.
So where am I today? I forgave those who hurt me a long time ago BUT I never forgave myself. That is what I am learning to do now with the help of the LAP program and the caring friends I have made through this program.
I know now that only I can change my own outlook on life but I cannot do it alone. Most of all I have learned that there is no shame is asking for help for yourself. There was a sense of strength and I’ll admit it, superiority, in always helping others that has been hard to learn let go of.
When the dark clouds of depression begin to congregate overhead I can now ask for help in dispersing them. I take the time now every single day to count the blessings in my life, something I would never allow myself to do before as I was so sure on the inside that I was a loser from a family of losers. No matter how many accolades I received I had always felt like an impostor waiting to be discovered and thrown away like yesterday’s garbage. That WAS my world.
Years later and with much patience, support and assistance I carry a different worldview. Instead now, as in the words of the serenity prayer I have learned to accept many of the things I cannot change, and to work hard to change the things I can……but I now know I need a lot of outside help on acquiring the wisdom to tell the difference in some areas. I need only now remember to reach out and ask.
So if you take anything with you from Harriet’s journey, keep in mind that LAP is not only for alcoholics. LAP is for lawyers helping lawyers, regardless of the problem. I am not an alcoholic, but I am in recovery.
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